Humor/Satire

5 Ways To Be a Good Boy

A self-help article to read to your dog

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Come here (fill in dog name)!

Awwwww, good (boy/girl).

Awwwww, smoochie woochie, you’re so good.

You’ve been watching me read a lot on Medium haven’t ya?

Well, it’s not that I’m trying to ignore you, I’m just trying to improve my life with smart articles where good ideas find me. But I realize now I’ve been hogging all the advice for myself and not sharing any with you…boooogie woooogie awwww such a good boy.

So here’s one a great writer named Max Klein wrote just for you.

Sit. Sit. I said sit. Good boy.

It’s titled:

5 Ways To Be a Good Boy

How to get out of the dog house and into the real house

Bark. Bark. It’s tough being a dog sometimes. Humans talking to us all the time like “blah blah blah Rex, blah blah blah, Snack….blah blah blah Ride.”

Like we’ll ever understand the blah blah words they fill sentences with, right? Who do they think we are, Lassie? Probably. That damn show ruined everything.

But you’re in luck. I’ve compiled a list of 5 things you can do to get more snacks, take more rides, and get more belly rubs.

Here they are:

#1. Don’t Eat Poop

A 2012 study by American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior researcher Dr. Benjamin Hart found that:

16 percent (one in six) of dogs are classified as “serious” stool eaters, which means that they were caught in the act five times.

24 percent of the dogs in the study (one in four) were observed eating feces at least once.

There’s a high likelihood you’ve been in that 24% at least once in your life. It’s OK. We’ve all tried it. In the same way humans eat gas station sushi, some things just seem gross to other species.

But here’s the thing. Most humans are repulsed by poop eating. If you just don’t do it, you’ll get a lot more love.

This leads me to my next point.

#2. Don’t Lick Your Butt in the Most Public Place Possible

You’re a dog. You’re going to lick your butt. For grooming purposes, or more serious reasons like parasites or impacted anal glands, am I right?

Like, “Mooom, Daaaad, I’m not licking my butt for fun (this time). Don’t you see the serious aggressive nature of my licks. Something else is going on.”

And that cry for help of yours is often met with “stop licking your damn but on the carpet, idiot.” Nice.

So what is a dog to do?

Well, if you’re just licking for grooming or fun, do it quietly in the corner or a separate room. If you’re trying to tell the human something, maybe whine a little and hobble around then gnaw at your hind end. Even the densest humans will probably take you to the vet.

Then, you’ll not only get rid of worms, but you’ll also get a Riiiiiiiiiiiddddee! #Amiright?

#3. Learn the Difference Between Plastic Bags and Existential Threats

Plastic is a new development in the long evolution of the dog, so I don’t expect you to know how low-density polyethylene resin is made into plastic bags, but you’ve got to stop freaking out every time one blows across the yard.

You know you’re humans are sitting there watching TV about to doze off… then all hell breaks loose. Your hell.

You’re untrimmed nails claw in rapid succession at the wood floor as you howl with reckless abandon like a mighty tiger is approaching the campfire.

Here’s the thing. When you see a bag, just pause. Think. Everything in you will be screaming “warning…warning” but look closer.

Does it have handles? If so, likely not a tiger. Is it pure white? If so, likely not a tiger. Does it say Aldi on the side? If so, not a tiger.

Your humans will be happier with you if you learn what’s a real threat and what’s a bag.

Now the mailman on the other hand. He’s shady. Let ’er rip.

#4. Don’t Drink From the Toilet

I know you have quite an immune system from dining on feces and millennia of eating raw meat, but please take the extra few steps to the water bowl if you’re thirsty.

Two reasons. Humans are gross. They don’t always clean their toilets and when you drink you’re getting particles of…..stuff.

Second, water bowl manufacturers were hit hard by Covid. They need all the support they can get. So take the extra few steps and drink from your water bowl.

Socially aware dogs drink from a bowl.

#5. Don’t Chew My Shoes

Do I chew on your collar? No. Why? Because I know it’s disrespectful.

I know, I know, your instinct to chew leather is strong. Your ancestors didn’t let a good rawhide go to waste. They chewed it to keep their teeth clean and sharp.

So I get where you’re coming from.

But try to remember, my shoes aren’t a dead buffalo.

Remember, the more money I have to spend on new shoes, the less money I have for snacks and toys.

Final Thoughts

It can be tough being a dog. Humans talking to us like we’re babies, even though we’re older than them in dog years. It gets old.

But when we take the steps above to get along better with humans, it not only helps us, but helps all dogs.

So get out there and don’t eat that poop! Lick your butt privately unless it’s something serious. Read that plastic bag. And take the extra steps past my shoes to the water bowl.

I just know you can do this!

Why?

Because you’re a gooood boooooyyyyy!

Awww, smoochie woochie.

Smoochie woochie wooo.

Family Man. Top Writer in Leadership. MBA Strategy and Management. Marine Corps Veteran. Winemaker. emaxklein@icloud.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store